When my son was 7 years-old he suddenly became afraid of being buried in a graveyard. If we drove by a cemetery he would say “mom, remember, don’t bury me.” He had questions about who would die first, him or his parents. I don’t recall a specific trigger for his worry – there had not been a death in the family – but his concern about death lasted a few months then slowly dissipated. We answered his questions honestly and allowed him to work through his feelings around this natural part of life.
A very common concern I hear from parents is the onset of fear regarding death or separation from parents. It typically happens around 6 to 8 years old, but it can be earlier or later depending on a triggering event or the child’s individual development. Your child may have a returning or first-time fear of the dark, a fear of going on field trips or sleepovers that take them further from family, or an obsession with the topic of death. I have learned that this a very natural stage of childhood development.
Younger children have a natural ability for magical thinking and death is not understood as something permanent – when playing imaginary games their character may die over and over, coming back to life multiple times. But as they mature cognitively, they grow out of this magical thinking and learn that nothing is permanent, all things die, including parents and children. This same magical thinking, however, can make them think that their own thoughts or wishes could cause or prevent an event like death.
As they navigate this phase, our job is to listen, answer their questions honestly, and acknowledge feelings. If they bring up fear of a family death, don’t make promises or dismiss it by saying we won’t die or to not think about it. Instead we might say “that would be sad wouldn’t it, but we do everything we can to stay safe and healthy so we can live a long life.” You might further comfort and empower them by talking about the real ways we keep ourselves safe and healthy.
Fear of separation, of the dark, of nightmares, or of sleeping itself, might be masking the fear of ultimate separation, so listening and asking open-ended questions about what makes them worry or what makes them ask something, will help them to discuss their feelings. Following their lead is an important part of the process as children will usually let us know, with subtle or obvious signals, when they are ready for more information. In many cultures, this is processed through childhood stories about orphans or other losses, so reading and discussing these stories can be healthy and supportive.
Most children’s fear of death lasts a few months. But if it lasts longer than 6 months or becomes debilitating – such as preventing your child from going to school or participating in regular activities – seek professional guidance. Therapy may be recommended to treat a developing phobia or anxiety disorder. If your child has experienced the death of a very close relative/friend or witnessed a traumatic event, counseling may also be recommended. Seeking support is not failure in parenting – experts say that phobias and anxiety can develop for a seemingly endless number of reasons.
For more information on helping children cope with fears or supporting your child when a loved one dies, including a pet, here are several helpful articles from research-based websites:
Helping Your Child Overcome the Fear of Death – Verywell Mind
Helping Children Cope with Grief – Child Mind Institute
Normal Childhood Fears – KidsHealth
